


The Wondrous Sex Adventures of the Angel and The Serpent

by TheSilverSeeker



Category: Good Omens - Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett
Genre: Asexual Relationship, Crack, Established Relationship, Fluff, Idiots in Love, Insecurities, M/M, Misunderstanding, Sort Of, they try, yes I know what the title says just trust me
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-01
Updated: 2020-05-01
Packaged: 2021-03-01 20:47:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,411
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23953309
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheSilverSeeker/pseuds/TheSilverSeeker
Summary: I just remembered that post from 2005 where Neil said Aziraphale somehow ended up watching porn and trying to follow the plot, and wrote this mess
Relationships: Aziraphale/Crowley (Good Omens)
Kudos: 53





	The Wondrous Sex Adventures of the Angel and The Serpent

**Author's Note:**

  * For [dt8b0t](https://archiveofourown.org/users/dt8b0t/gifts).



Aziraphale was, as usual, the first to wake up. It was late morning, sunlight already streaming through the curtains. Aziraphale blinked a free times, then, when he felt awake enough, Rose a little and leaned on his elbow. 

Beside him, Crowley was still sound asleep - no surprise there, really - curled in on himself and looking impossibly small, and Aziraphale felt a flutter of  _ something _ in his heart, something an angel ought to feel for all of His Creations but he felt also and much deeper for one demon in particular. He gently brushed his hand against his beloved's cheek, who didn't so much as stir. 

It presented a wonderful opportunity.

Aziraphale wasn't really, well,  _ in touch _ with modern technology, but Crowley liked that sort of thing, and the hostel they were staying in provided a small television and a few cassettes, and that meant he could make all the embarrassing mistakes whole Crowley was sleeping and not there to see him make a fool of himself. 

He pushed the cassette carefully into the slot, them pressed a few buttons. Then he pressed a few others, which were the correct ones. Aziraphale expected the film to play as quietly as possible, and so it did. The opening scene was not quite what he imagined, starring a young muscular fellow, apparently a pizza deliveryman, who was just delivering a pizza to the only other character - a blonde woman who appeared to have just woken up, despite it being afternoon, considering the bathrobe she was wearing. The following conversation was mediocre at best, the dialogue felt clumsy and he couldn't understand how a person staying in their own (rather lovely) home could have no means of paying for delivery food, money clearly wasn't an issue for her character. Perhaps, he thought, it would all be explained soon enough. "Maybe I could pay you with… something else?" the lady suggested, her tone changing slightly, and Aziraphale frowned. 

Just as the camera shifted back to the man, a message popped up, informing him with regret that the preview was over and if he was interested in the rest he could rent the film in its entirety at the reception. 

Money was not an issue for Aziraphale, either, but he decided against it. The purpose of this  _ experience _ was mastering technology for things like surprise movie nights, not selling his soul to cheap, low-quality entertainment; that's what modern literature was for. 

*

"I've been thinking," Crowley had said one night over dinner, less than two weeks after the Unpocalypse. "With what we've been doing, with that child-"

"Wrong child," Aziraphale pointed out, although there was no bite in it.

"-wrong child, we didn't  _ see _ much of the world in the last few years, and that almost was not seeing much of the world in the _ last few years _ , and, I mean, I want to. With you." He froze, his eyes going wide. "Er, I, that is, if you-"

Aziraphale reached across the table and took Crowley's hand in his. "I'd love to, my dear," he said softly. "It would be nice, to travel for a while. We could start with Europe, and see where we want to go from there, if this is what you had in mind?" 

Crowley, by now impossibly red, barely managed a "c-cool." 

And that was it.

*

He found another cassette in the next hostel they stayed in. 

As a principal Aziraphale tried to always see the best in humanity, but this was rather disappointing. Surely there were better films out there, like the one Crowley was so fond of… Bond, was it? And yet all signs pointed to pizza delivery being the most commonly loved narrative. 

Maybe he was being too harsh, he thought. Perhaps something extraordinary happens later in the film and this would all make sense. 

Only one way to find out, he supposed. 

He inserted the cassette into the player, noting with pride how much easier it was this time, and was about to turn on the television itself when a thought occurred to him; if the preview is two minutes of viewing, he could watch from where he'd last been interrupted by starting the film at the two-minutes mark. He found the fast forward button on the remote control and was ready to put this theory to the test. 

As was usually the case, reality adjusted to his expectations so seamlessly that he didn't even notice. 

The film indeed started from the last frame he'd seen, with the woman engaging in an unlikely conversation with the deliveryman, who was moving forward and, well. 

The next two minutes could be described as confusing at best. 

Aziraphale, an angel who had existed for just over 6000 years and spent most of them on Earth among humans, was no stranger to sex, though he was rather indifferent to the idea, and from his many observations and free experiences this was… not right. It was pointless, there was little to no chemistry, they hardly seemed to be enjoying themselves in the process - what ever was this  _ thing _ for and about? 

His salvation came in the form of the  _ end of preview _ message, same as before. He signed, leaned back against the headboard and reached for a book that wasn't on the nightstand only a moment ago but knew better, hoping to distract himself. 

He was pulled out again some time later, when Crowley came out of the shower and lay down next to him. Aziraphale put the book down and try to relax and drift into sleep, but found his mind wandering back to the film, of all things, the sheer  _ nonsense _ of it.  _ There must be something I'm missing, _ he thought. 

Then he reached for the nightstand again and picked up a pen and a notebook. 

*

By the time they've crossed the Channel Aziraphale had filled more than a couple of pages full of notes and commentary and was about halfway through the film, or so it felt. There didn't seem to be any plot beyond what he'd already seen, and that didn't excite him all that much either. 

When he found the same cassette in a French hostel as well he started to think this was a curse; it would be in line with Heavenly Mercy, twisting his commitment like that. Whether or not anything done by Above could be called a curse was another question entirely. 

"It's fine, you know," came a strained voice from behind him. Crowley averted his gaze when he turned. "I get it. Couple goes on a trip, they do  _ things _ , and, well, we need to want the Effort to Make it, so I literally can't-" 

Aziraphale was torn between the sudden need to pull Crowley closer and hold him tight for the rest of eternity and wanting to slap himself for somehow hurting him. "My dear," he breathed instead. "Whatever makes you think-" he froze, looking down at the cassette still in hand. "Ah." 

Crowley looked about as comfortable as someone sitting on a cactus. "I mean, I just saw your notes in the train- didn't mean to," he added quickly, "but, now I have more questions." 

"Right. Er." Part of Aziraphale wished he could discorporate from embarrassment. "I was, trying, to understand…" 

"The plot of a porn film?" Crowley asked, eyebrows raised to heights no brow has ever known before.

"...films," Aziraphale finished lamely. "Since you like them, well, I wanted to be able to be a part of this. And I have only learned how to operate a cassette this week." 

Crowley blinked at him. Then a soft laugh escaped his lips. "You don't need to know the plot of  _ porn _ for that, angel." 

"Oh, I believe there is no plot to begin with," Aziraphale muttered, which only made Crowley laugh harder. 

"Next time," Crowley said, wiping his eyes and catching his breath. When he finally calmed he reach for Aziraphale's hand and gave it a light squeeze. "Next time, you can just talk to me. I'm not the best teacher, but, I mean, we could figure it out together." He thought for a moment, and added: "'sides, there are actually good movies out there, you know. Better start with…" he flicked his wrist, and easily caught the cassette appearing out of this air in his free hand, and proudly showed it to his partner.

Aziraphale looked doubtful. "Princess Bride?" he asked. 

"Trust me," Crowley grinned. "You're gonna love it."

*

Admittedly, he did. 


End file.
